(I guess this could count as my "About Me" since I don't have one on this blog. I hesitate to post it, afraid I am disclosing too much, or worried about what people will think, but here it is, maybe it will help someone.)
It has been a while since I took the time to write anything here. The reason is actually very good news for me: I have simply been busy writing articles that actually pay me money! lol. Up until now this blog has mainly been my "Two Cents" on different things that I saw on the news or heard online that I deemed as horrible and felt I had to speak out. This one will be more about me, God, and how far He can bring us. Of course, during the Christmas Season there were a lot of things that I almost sat down and ranted about, but when I had a free moment, I decided just to enjoy the time, instead of stressing about those who choose not to keep Christ in Christmas, yet still want presents for His birthday. But that is another blog post.
A couple of years ago, I was a waitress. Although I loved the job, I knew that I wanted more. I did not know for sure how to get more, but I wanted it. There were a few physical issues that I was having that I knew was going to prevent me from being able to do this job for many more years, and it did not have any type of retirement , so what would I do then?
I was also living in what people call a "bad marriage." That term comes no where close to expressing just how horrible life in those circumstances can really get. I do not want to go into a sob story about how bad it was, but it ended when I really believed he was about to kill me. His abuse had been growing steadily worse for three years.
I had gotten into tech school in the small town where I was living. This was what I thought would be my way out. My plan was to stay as long as I could and get a degree, so that I could get out of the marriage and still have a chance of being able to take care of myself. This was not to be. Before I could even finish the first semester, the situation exploded into a choice of getting out now, or probably not getting out at all.
The whole experience left me in an emotionally crippled state. I spent my days online, in a virtual world as far from God and life as I could get. I could not deal with reality at all, and did not want to. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia in August of this year, which is a fear of crowds or people. My fear was mostly men, however. If I ever managed to get up the courage to walk into a store I could(and still can) tell you where every male in my line of sight was standing, and if he moved even a step closer toward me, I would go into a full blown panic attack. I knew I was being irrational, I knew they were not even noticing me, but I could not stop. I still catch myself keeping track of people approaching me every single time I go into a store.
I was also diagnosed with a dual case of PSTD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is much harder to live with than people realize, and I feel truly sad for those who have this and cannot seem to get relief. I fear everything, it seems. I am afraid in cars, and when riding I constantly grab the door armrest. I can almost see a wreck happening, and imagine all kinda of bad things. It is fear extreme, imagining the worst that could happen everywhere I go. If I give in to it, I would never leave the house, however I refuse to let myself become that crippled. I now go to church pretty often, I manage to go to a store at least a couple of times a month, and I ride in the car, although I cannot stop the fear, I can try to deal with it. This is something I am still working on, because "2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.." I claim that scripture for myself! I do not recommend any certain treatment, or lack thereof to anyone reading this, however, I am currently not seeing a doctor, nor am I taking any prescriptions for depression, nerves, PTSD, or anything else. I am climbing this mountain on my own,step by step with God's help and I pray He blesses everyone who has helped me along the way, even the ones who do not even believe in Him.
I applied for disability because I did not know what else to do. I lost my home, and almost everything I owned when I got out of the relationship,and someone with a fear of crowds can obviously no longer waitress. I was turned down. This meant no income for me, no health care, nothing. The funny thing is, by the time I got the letter that told me I had been denied, I had already got a toe in the door at Odesk, so the blow was not at all devastating. I could see exactly why God had not answered yes to that prayer, and I guess He timed it that way because He knew at that time, I was simply not strong enough to have the faith to have gotten that letter with no alternative in site.
Writing is my passion. I love it, I have always loved it, and I feel that for me, it is not just a job, but a calling. Once I got a toe in the door, I realized that this was not just a way to make money at home since I could not go out and work, this was what I had always been meant to do. Today, I had an epiphany, which is why I am blogging this tonight. I was riding in the car, and memories of my ex crept in. On my way to the store, this was not a strange occurrence. It mad me upset with myself that I was still letting him hurt me, scare me, when I have been away from him now for quite a while. I tried thinking of things that I feel good about in my life right now. I thought of my work, about a chance at a job I am praying about that I think He is blessing me with, and it hit me...if my ex had never done what he did, I would still be a waitress. I am not at all saying there is anything wrong with being a waitress, but God had and still has bigger plans for me. I am also not saying that God caused my ex to hit me so that I would write. I am simply saying that "Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." My Father, at a time when I was not even living my life for Him, took a horrible situation, and used it to lead me home to Him first, and then to lead me into a job that I love, and that will lead me into great ways to help others in the future. He is working ALL things for my good, and teaching me to trust Him. He did not take me into that bad situation, I took myself there, but He brought me out, and is teaching me to crawl, and stand, and walk...and I know..Who holds tomorrow, and I know He holds my hand.
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